God is chilling up in heaven, cradling the Earth in his hands. God is lonely, so he started this science experiment billions of years ago. He split some atoms open and set the Universe exploding into motion. Soon, after these atoms cook in a fragrant stew of time, space, and energy, he’ll finally Incubate Friends and have a Big Party Forever. His Magic is Physics, some we can observe and some we can’t. This is by design. We’re tiny bits of organic matter, flowing, thriving, metabolizing each other, through the paper strip of the Universe through nanoparticles of gold reagent, setting off reactions that eventually set off the Double Stripes of Life on the Pee Stick of Existence. We’re Pregnant, guys. Strap in for a Wild Ride.

There’s no shortcuts. In order for Man to be like God, they have to learn everything the hard way for the first time, over and over and over again, the way He did millions of lifetimes ago. God thinks he’s got everything figured out, that they’ll act like him and meet him at the Big Party Forever soon. But even God doesn’t fully know God’s plan. “I don’t remember it being like that.” He says, chagrined. Was it this Ugly before?

God sends down his own son, Jesus. He’s an idealistic hippie in sandals. “Dad, I got it.” He says, brushing back his long, dark brown hair, “I’ll teach them. I’ll tell them everything in a way they’ll understand. I’ll tell them I’m your son and be super nice to them and show them what to do.” He confidently walks through the Portal to attend his own Birth.

God looks down at his Petri dish, waiting for the hunger pangs of loneliness to subside. Jesus is fixing the stew. “How’s it going?” He asks. Jesus pokes his head out. “It’s groovy,” he says, “they were hungry and sick so I gave them wine, loaves, and fishes, and healed everyone I could before I got tired.” Jesus looks exhausted but having the time of his life. God is happy.

God smells the delicious stew bubbling and dreams of big potluck dinners together and tearful hugs. He lifts the lid on Earth and calls to Jesus. “How are you, my son?” He says, looking for him underneath the clouds, trees, and desert sand. “Groovy.” He says, “They kept wanting wine, loaves, and fishes, but I had to explain to them that the Magic has limits, even though I’m Your Son. I told them that these Gifts are My Blood, that I can show them how to make wishes come true but the Real Magic is Each Other.” He looks pale but cheerful. “Is it working?” God asks, anxiously. “I think so,” Jesus says, “God, I didn’t know you put so much Blood in Us.”

God waits a bit. God knows He needs Patience. Jesus told him to not check Earth too often or it’ll Never Be Ready. “Have Faith.” Jesus says, winking at him. It’s an Inside Joke.

God checks on the stew. “Son?” He says. He can’t find Jesus in his usual place next to the simmering peas and carrots. He hears whimpering. Jesus is hanging live from a cross from nails hammered into his feet and wrists. He’s in excruciating pain. “NO!” God shouts, but it’s too late. “NO, MY SON!!!”

“It’s groovy.” Jesus says weakly. His eyes are glazed and he looks faraway. God is distressed. This is Fucked Up. God Fucked Up. He needs to Start Over. He needs to hit the Reset Button. Jesus knew God would react this way. “Please don’t be mad at them. Please, God. I love them. I really do. Despite everything. Please don’t hurt them. Please don’t start over. They’re trying really hard. I Believe in Them, Father. Please. For Me.”

God cradles his head in his hands and the rest is History.

----

Fast forward a couple of thousand years, and Humanity is grooving. With setbacks of course, but it’s all according to God’s Plan….. “I think?” he thinks. “I don’t remember having such terrible taste in Men. Was it really like that?”

It’s time. A lot of simultaneously critical, preventable, and inevitable things happen, and a small rip tears into Humanity. Russia has invaded Ukraine. This one feels a little bit different, somehow. It’s simultaneously Always Been Like This and yet Has Never Been Like This Before. God Believes in Jesus. He looks down at unprovoked, wide-scale aggression, normal Russian Men set loose by Putin to do whatever they want to innocent Ukrainians. There’s rape, torture, executions. God and the world watch in awe. God grabs his pillow, curls up, and tries to sleep to make the Sadness Go Away.

A sound at the Portal, and then soft footsteps. God looks up, and sees a bearded Ukrainian man in military uniform, dirty, emaciated, with visible signs of torture. “Who are you?” God says. He wasn’t expecting company and didn’t put on pants. “Sergei.” The man says soberly. “I was guarding Azovstal in Mariupol until we got surrounded by the enemy. I was held in a prison, starved and tortured, in the middle of prisoner exchange negotiations between the Western World and Russia, when the Russians bombed us. Where am I?”

“Heaven.” God says, eyes full of tears. He walks up to Sergei and cradles his face in his hands. Immediately, Sergei’s face grows full and healthy. God hugs Sergei, and Sergei’’s body becomes whole, and he hugs God back. “I’m so sorry.” God says, sobbing. He has felt so guilty. “I’m sorry it had to be like this. I tried to think of a different way, but I couldn’t think of any other way. I tried so hard. I’m so sorry this happened to you.”

Sergei's eyes are unreadable. He’s thinking about his entire life in retrospect. “Why did this happen?” He says finally.

“I was so lonely.” God says, shaking with anguish. “I was so lonely.” He hangs his head in shame. Sergei holds God reassuringly like he used to hold his wife and children when they were scared. “It’s okay.” He says, kissing God on the forehead. “I forgive you. Let’s wait for Our Friends.”

I don’t know why, but all of my wishes have come true. I’ll show you how. Here, I’ll be your Genie. You come across a golden lamp and rub it because, honestly, you rub everything. Bright light, and Fan-Pei shows up in a super cute, sexy genie outfit thing. She’s smoke from the waist down. “Thank you for setting me free. I’m Fan-Genie. I will grant you three wishes. I am constrained only by the bounds of reality.”

Fuck yeah. You’ve prepared for this. “I want unlimited wishes.” “Okay.” “Really?” “Yeah,” Fan-Pei says with a shrug, “but, like, eventually I have to do other things.”

“I want to be a billionaire.” Fan-Pei says okay, twerks while singing off-key, and *poof!* She reappears and says,“Hey man, I looked through thousands of universes and couldn’t find any where you’re a billionaire. But! Good news, while I was looking through there, I saw that you’re brave, resourceful, and pure of heart, and you will absolutely find peace and contentment with your finances, which is what you really wanted anyways.”

“Okay,” You say, “I want to be young and healthy forever.” Fan-Pei twerks, *poofs*, returns. “Hey dude! Sorry, again, I looked through thousands of universes and couldn’t find any where you’re young and healthy forever. But! Good news, while I was there, I saw that you’re kind and always help yourself and others be better every day, so at some point you aged backwards and everyone was like, ‘Okay, I guess she’s Asian.’ but then you just kept getting hotter and it made no fucking sense. Like, you were a fucking cougar until you stopped waxing your moustache, wore a Ukrainian flag as a babushka scarf, and walked around with a permanent toilet bowl ring on your thighs below your booty shorts.”

“Can I just wear regular shorts?”

“No.”

“Okay,” You say, “I want to be successful.” Fan-Pei Pops Her Pussy Like Dat, and *poof!” She returns. “Hey Chuvak, I looked through thousands of universes, and in almost all of them, you’re successful.” “Oh shit, really? It doesn’t feel like it.” “Yeah.” and suddenly Fan-Pei got very serious. “Listen to me. Remember this like they’re the only words you’ll carry through your life. Your afterlife. In all your future lives. Promise me.” It feels like time stopped. Your head swims, and your heartbeat is a slow smear through space.

“I promise.”

“I looked through thousands of your universes, and in all of them, you’re successful. But there’s only One. One path that’s the most successful. The One Path that all the other universes wish they could be. You have the choice to find that One Path. Do you agree?”

“Yes.” We pinky-swear. That’s a soul promise.

“You will find the One Path, but it will be extraordinarily painful. You will experience great evil. You will feel great pain. You will beg for death over and over and over again. But you will keep going. You keep breaking, rebuilding, breaking, rebuilding, wrought like the finest steel in the fires of Suffering.”

“Okay…”

“That is the only way you will find the One Path. That’s the only way you gain the humility, empathy, and strength to find it. All the other ones got distracted. You will find the One Path and you’ll go back and suffer all over again to help other people reach it and then there’s a Big Party forever.”

“I accept it gladly. Bring it on. I’ll do whatever it takes to be The One.”

“Okay, because the other one becomes the most powerful Taiwanese person in NBA Management History.” [the joke is that my brother is this]

“What?”

“Nothing. Do you have another wish?”

“Yeah. I want everyone to fall in love with me.”

“Granted.” She says. She doesn’t even poof. “Your wish is granted. Good luck with that.”